Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Payson Part 1

Payson Nicks Robinson was born on November 9th 2013 at 2:49am. At that moment I became what I was meant to be... A mom.

So many people have advised me to write down Pace's birth story and all my thoughts and feelings. Since this is the closest thing I have to a journal... Here it goes...

Part 1...(I'll break it up for all our sakes.)

On Monday November 4th I pretty much knew my son was coming that week. I don't have these strong feelings very often, so when I do I take them pretty serious. However, because I was so convinced my baby was coming... I had two false alarms during the week. One of them resulted in me going to the hospital because I was convinced my water broke. However, it turned out I just peed my pants. Yeah. You read that right. I'm awesome. Just add that to my LONG list of embarrassing moments. It's fine. Anywayyy the rest of the week consisted of lots of walks, timing contractions, and my husband begging me to SOMEHOW go into labor. He was just a little excited for Payson to come. It was adorable.

The week was pretty emotional for me. Up until that point, having my baby seemed so far away. I had a pretty easy pregnancy and was still waiting for things to become unbearable and miserable. Reality hit me hard. Too many emotions. So little time. I wrote this one night when I was trying to sleep.

"11/6- I'm laying in bed. It's 10:18. My amazing husband is laying right next to me already asleep. We just said our prayers. As I prayed I asked our Father in Heaven to have Payson cherish these last couple moments in heaven. I prayed that our Father in Heaven would tell our son He loved him. That He would be looking over him while he was on this earth and to let him know he will never be alone. I hope Payson will always be able to feel His Father's love on this earth. That although he won't be able to remember it, I prayed Payson will be able to feel the comfort of God's last embrace before he came to this earth. I can't wait to meet our little guy. I want to hold him and cuddle him and kiss his sweet cheeks. I want to tell him I love him. I want to see Corbin hold him. I can't wait for that. Corbin will be the most incredible dad. I'm laying in bed and have no idea what the next couple days hold. But I have faith that everything will go perfect. I can't say I know exactly what being a mom will be like. I can't even say for sure I'm ready or I'll be a good mom. But I can say I will do everything I can to provide and take care of Payson. I know I will love him unconditionally. It's not going to be easy. In fact, it's probably going to be really hard. I'm going to get frustrated, sad, mad, exhausted, and probably feel like I've failed. But I have the best support group. I have my Father in Heaven, my husband, my parents, my sisters, and so many others who are there for me and Payson. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm giddy. I'm nervous. But mostly, I'm grateful. I hope Payson loves me. I hope I'm a good mom. I hope he serves a mission. I hope he gets sealed in the temple. I hope he will always be a worthy priesthood holder. I hope he loves to cuddle. I hope he loves his cousins as much as I do. I hope he listens to his dad. I hope he is strong and brave. I hope he is healthy. I will tell him I love him everyday of his life."

Little did I know I would be holding Payson almost 48 hours later.

To be continued...